I'm Batman...

A long time ago in my mid 20s, I owned my first house. It was a small ranch, not much bigger than some apartments. You may remember this house from the blog article I posted previously about the driveway fire.

Anyway, one day I decided to do my laundry, and proceeded to head to the basement where my washer and dryer were kept. As I opened the basement door, a bat flew out at my face. I am not sure if I actually screamed in fright or not, but I do remember falling to the floor to avoid the bat.

As I sat there, panting in fright, I tried to think of who I could call to come remove this bat. It was the first time I had ever lived alone, and I was unsure of what to do. As I began to calm down, I realized that no one was going to come and get rid of the bat for me. I could imagine the laughter on the other end of the phone if I called the Fire or Police Departments. It was going to be up to me. Time to man up!

The first thought that came to me was to get my tennis racket and just smash the thing as it flew by.

However, I am not one to needlessly kill anything, and I figured the bat didn't want to be there anymore than I wanted it there. So, another option had to be found...and quick. I was getting very creeped out with a bat flying around my living room.

My next thought was to catch it in a net, but since I didn't own a butterfly or fishing net, this wouldn't be an option. Then, like a light bulb flashing on above my head, I got an idea. I would get the small blanket from the back of the couch and use that to capture the bat by throwing it on him. 

Now that I had a plan, I began to feel better ( & a bit braver). I slowly made my way to the couch, ever vigilant for a sneak attack from my flying nemesis. Once I had the blanket, I began to scan for my foe. There! On the curtain rod above the picture window, hanging upside down, was the bat.

I slowly and deliberately walked toward the bat, my heat racing more and more with each step. Just as I made it to the middle of the room, the bat sprung it's attack. Okay, it didn't really look to attack me. I think it just wanted to get away from the crazy guy with the blanket!

As it zoomed in towards me, I threw the blanket....over my own head so the bat wouldn't land on me. The bat flew around the living room, then the kitchen, then down the hall, then around the living room again for quite awhile until, near exhaustion, it landed on the the same curtain rod it was on originally. I could see it's chest heaving up and down trying to draw oxygen in, all the while, watching me with it's beady little eyes.

This chasing around the living room, and me throwing the blanket on my head as it flew by went on for about an hour. By now, it was getting late and I was getting tired of this. I can only imagine how the bat felt. I was nearly at the point where I was willing to smash it with the tennis racket after all, just to be done with it. It was time to try a different tactic.

Having made the decision not kill the poor little bat, disgusting as it may be, I formed a new plan. I went into the basement (hoping that there were no bats remaining down there ~ there weren't), and got my very thick work gloves and a hard hat. I'm not sure why I thought I needed a hard hat, but it was there, so I wore it! Properly attired, I went up the basement steps and slowly opened the door. I peaked cautiously out, and did not see the bat. I slowly looked  around the corner into the living room and saw the bat still on the curtain rod.

In my best impression of an Infrantryman low crawling across a battlefield, I slithered my way across the living room floor. So far so good. The bat didn't move. With my back pressed against the wall next to the picture window, I very slowly inched my way up, always with an eye toward the bat. Finally, standing fully up and pressed as close to the wall as possible, I started to move my glove covered hand toward the bat. I started worry. Was the glove thick enough? Would the bat bite through it? Was it full of rabies? What the hell was I thinking? There was no turning back. I was committed. It was the bat or me!

When I judge myself close enough, I took a slow deep breath, feeling my heart trying to rip itself from my chest. Then, with speed that would make a cobra jealous, I shot out my hand and grabbed the bat! It began thrashing and shrieking like a banshee. All the hair on my arms stood up as I looked at the menacing face trying to bite me.

The bat tried over and over to bite my hand, but thankfully, the gloves were sufficient and withstood his assault. I was totally freaked out and didn't know exactly what to do next. I guess I didn't really believe that I could catch it in my hands. I ran to the front door and yanked it open, then tried to open the screen door. Damn, it was locked!! While the bat was squirming in my right hand, I fumbled with my useless left hand (I'm right handed) and eventually opened the door. Like a Marine tossing a hand granade, I threw that bat as fast and as far as possible. It seemed disoriented at first but quickly righted itself and flew away!

Feeling rather proud of myself, I put my hands on my hips and loudly proclaimed to the neighborhood, "I'm Batman".

Thanks for reading!!