Excuse me but the diveway is on fire...

"Excuse me, but the driveway is on fire." I actually heard those words from my wife one Winter day, many, many years ago. Sadly, she was correct and it was all my own doing!! I should back up here for a moment. I was about 26 years old, and it was my first house. I was very inexperienced in the ways of home ownership and maintenance, and quite impatient.

It all started because of a brutally cold winter in New Hampshire in 1990-1991. The house I owned at the time had a dirt driveway. Since it was dirt and not tar, it never got the benefit of having the same heat conductivity of a black surface, and therefore the snow would not melt. Snow storm after snow storm fell that winter and the snow turned to ice. No matter what I tried, I could not clear the ice from the driveway. Eventually, the ice was nearly 4 inches thick! I tried driveway melt, sand, fireplace ash...nothing worked!

Then, in a flash of brilliance, I had an epiphany.  What melts ice? Heat melts ice. What creates heat? Fire creates heat. I think it's one of those universal laws of physics or something. I needed to generate heat!!!

So I went to the basement and got the small hand held blow torch I had from a previous failed "do it yourself" plumbing attempt. I opened the gas valve and touched the flame of a Bic lighter to the gas nozzle. The gas ignited into a pin thin stream flame.

I placed the flame to the ice covered driveway and immediately noticed two things. One was that the flame did indeed melt the ice, and two, the melting was directly proportionate to the size of the flame. In other words, with the pin like flame, it would have taken me approximately 237 years to melt the ice on my driveway.  It was apparent to me immediately that I needed more heat which meant bigger fire!

Hmmm....how could I make a bigger fire and thereby melt the ice on the driveway quicker? Then it hit me!!! Gas burns hot, and I had a gas can full of gas in the garage. Now, now, don't get in an uproar. I didn't pour the entire contents of the gas can on the driveway. I was going to try this the scientific way. I decided to pour just a small amount to test my theory.

I went to the garage and got the gas can. I slowly poured a small amount on the driveway and quite smartly, carried the can some distance from the driveway. Safety first, right? I walked back to where I planned to conduct my test. I lit the small puddle of gas with my Bic lighter. Whoosh! The flame lit quickly. This was going to work!!!

It was right at that moment that I saw a trail of flame leave the burning test puddle of gas and start to follow its way back to the gas can. Apparently, the can had leaked!! Before I had enough time to disrupt the burning trail of gas, it reached the gas can. Flames immediately began shooting from the nozzle like a flame thrower!

With an "Oh crap, what do I do now?" look on my face, I stood in shocked disbelief! I had to do something fast before the can blew up! With the my momentary indecision over, I decided to take action. It was my plan to push the gas can over into a large snow bank, thereby dousing the flame.

I was still unsure if this was going to explode on me, so I cautiously made my way over. Gingerly, I reached out with my foot and used the toe of my boot to push the burning can over into the snow. Sadly this didn't work. The small burning test puddle immediately transformed into a large burning pool, as the gasoline flowed freely from the can. Suddenly, it appeared as if I were staring into the very gates of Hell itself! The gasoline began flowing downhill, bringing with it, a burning river of fire!

I was at a loss at what to do. I had a hard time processing that there now was a napalm like swath of fire in my driveway. On the verge of panic, I started to head for the phone to call the local Fire Department. As I headed to the house to make the call, I noticed I had several 5 gallon buckets full of sand. I immediately began throwing the sand on the flames. Slowly, I began to overcome my predicament, as I covered the flames, until all the flame were out. Thankfully, I did not burn down the garage, or immolate myself! Tragedy narrowly averted!  As I stood there smugly admiring my new found firefighting skills, I heard my wife say "Dumb Ass" as she went back inside.

Thanks for reading.