Send in the clowns....

Fears....as adults, we all still have them. Fear of losing a job, fear of something bad happening to our children, fear of a relationship not working out, fear of losing a parent to illness, just to name a few. However, deep down, we know that they are "just fears" and work to overcome them.

As a child, we have even more fears, but from a much more basic perspective, deep down somewhere in our very soul. These are based on unrealistic ideas to adults, yet VERY real to children. As we grow older, we overcome these (hopefully).

As a child, I had lots of fears. Fear of my basement at night (we lived in a house that was well over 100 years old), fear of the "Dead Guy Under the Porch" at my neighbor's house (the older kids scared us with that one), fear of eternal damnation (I went to Catholic School).

However, the three that really gave me fits were Spiders, Clowns and Flying Monkeys!

If you were not afraid of the Flying Monkeys from The Wizard of Oz as a child, there was something seriously wrong with you!! Those guys were scary and would rip the stuffing out of you if they caught you!

Spiders are just plain creepy. There is no sugar coating it. They have too many legs and far to many eyes. If that was bad enough, some of them jump!



That being said, clowns were my number one fear. Let's face it. Clowns are scary. Clown costumes have been used in murder and molestation of children. Clowns just plain suck! Steven King even wrote a book about a bad clown named Pennywise the Clown.

It's called "It", and if you don't believe me that clowns are bad, just read it! Just look at this clown photo. Is that anything a kid should like? No, absolutely not. My fear of clowns, or coulrophobia if you prefer, started a long time ago.

When I was about 4 years old, my mother took me to the Ice Capades. For those of you too young to remember the Ice Capades, think Disney on Ice but with fewer characters and more figure skaters.

Anyway, unbeknownst to me, as we were entering the arena, my mother was approached by a show official who asked her if it would be alright if I was part of the show. Of course, like any parent, she jumped at the chance. ( I would do that now with my children).

At the Intermission of the show, clowns would go out into the audience to collect the children and bring them onto the ice. Sadly, no one told me or thought to ask me if I wanted to do this. I was a very shy child.

At the appointed time, I could see clowns bringing children down to the ice for a sleigh ride in front of the entire show. Suddenly, a clown snuck out from under my seat, took my hand and tried to bring me to the ice. I screamed and cried, and held on to my mother. She, on the other hand, was trying to give me to the Clown!!! How dare she!!! Mothers are supposed to protect children!!! Here she was trying to force me to go with this Clown. I was horrified and howled in protest and even the big swirly lollipop

the Clown offered me would not persuade me to go with the her.

Meanwhile, my aunt Kathy, who was only 6 years older than me, was furious!!! She really wanted to go out on the ice with the kids, but at 10 years old was too old. Her indignity was compounded when everyone relented and decided maybe it was best I stayed in my seat with my mother.  She glared at me when the Clown still gave me the lollipop. The rest of the show went on with little to no drama for me, but I was never brought to the Ice Capades again!!

My fear of clowns has been a source of family amusement throughout my life. Anytime a clown was spotted, it would have to be pointed out to me. My 13 year old daughter still likes to do that to me. She finds it funny her dad doesn't like clowns.

Although I still don't like clowns, I no longer fear them as I did as a child. My aunt, however, did get her revenge on me many years later. At my 40th birthday party, she bought red clown noses and had everyone put one on while I wasn't looking.  When I came out of the bathroom, there were 40 "new clowns" in my house!!

Send in the Clowns? I think not! Thanks for reading!!!

You have the right to remain silent...

Those are words that most people never want to hear, especially skinny 19 year old kids. Yet sadly, that's exactly what happened to me many years ago. Now don't go thinking that my misspent youth was a life of crime. It wasn't!!

It all happened innocently enough one Friday night. As was typical back then, my friends and I had plans to go cruising around. Since I didn't own a car myself, a friend of mine arrived to pick me up. In the car was John, the driver and one of my other friends, Tom.We really didn't have any plans that night, other than just to ride around town, looking for something to do. An all too common occurrence.

For some strange reason, Tom brought a squirt gun with him. Now, this was not your typical brightly colored Super Soaker. Noooo, this was a life-sized, hand painted .357 magnum water gun. It should be noted that the gun was originally florescent blue, but through the considerable artistic talent of Tom, was transformed into something less innocent looking. I'll admit, it WAS cool. Why did we have that with us on that fateful night is anyone's guess. I chalk it up to being 19. Kids just do dumb things!

In the 1980s it was very easy for underage kids to get alcohol. After picking me up, we headed to one of the many Portuguese Convenience stores that dotted the landscape in Taunton, Massachusetts. We chose this particular store because we had always had success in buying beer there. Lets just say that they were a little lax in checking IDs. Tonight was no different, as Tom came out with a six pack of Bud Tall Boys! As you can tell from the quantity of beer, we certainly had no plans to get drunk.

Soon after our purchase we found ourselves on a highway out of town. None of the beer had been consumed at this point. Suddenly, there was a car aggressively tailgating us. Now, if you are from Massachusetts, you grow used to tailgaters, but this one was different.

As a joke, I picked up the squirt gun, held it to the head of driver of my car, and said something like, "This is a carjacking. Lose this turkey behind us!" At which point John stomped on the gas pedal of his beat up 1964 Mustang.

With mild acceleration, we began to pull away from the tailgating car, and headed down the highway towards adventure. We just didn't realize how true that was. After a brief amount of time, the offending car sped by us at an excessive rate speed. Immediately, there were the Blue Lights of 3 Police cars in our rear view mirror.

Knowing we were minors in possession of alcohol (the six pack of beer), we knew right away that the long arm of the law was coming to get us! Like the good citizens we were, we followed the rules and immediately pulled over. Imagine our surprise when the 3 police cars went speeding by us, pursuing some other nefarious foe. With nervous laughter, we pulled back on the highway to continue on our way, thinking ourselves safe.

As we proceeded down the highway, we soon saw flashing blue lights up ahead. As we passed, we saw the three cop cars had pulled over the tailgater (apparently for speeding). We smiled to ourselves, and rejoicing in our good fortune, continued on our way.

Suddenly, as if appearing out of thin air, there were flashing blue lights behind us!! In addition to the three City of Taunton Police cars, there were also two Massachusetts State Police cars as well!! We again immediately pulled over. All the Police poured out of their cars and with guns drawn and pointing at our heads, yelled "Don't anyone move a muscle."

Let me assure that not one of us in the car so much as blinked. Although I cannot speak for my two friends, I was far too terrified to move! I have never had a gun pointed at me, never mind so many. One of the cops yelled, "Okay boys, lets see the gun.". Eager to comply, and to show them it was all a misunderstanding, I moved quickly to hand them the gun, never realizing how close I came to being shot. The Police did not know it was a squirt gun at that time.

Once they had the situation secured, they told me to get out of the car. As I exited, I was told "You're under arrest for assault with a deadly weapon." In a voice 9 octaves higher than normal I said, "For what, a squirt gun?" To which the Officer said "You think that's funny?" as he slammed my face into the hood of the car, bloodying my nose and fattening my lip. I can tell you in all honesty, I did not think it was funny. We were told that the driver who was tailgating told the police that I was hanging out the window, waving a gun at him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Why on Earth would he drive by us and give me a better target, if I was really hanging out the window? That is something we will never know.

I was so terrified that I nearly wet myself. I was placed in handcuffs, and shoved into the back of a patrol car where I heard those words we are all too familiar with from TV cop shows. "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say, can and will be used against you in court of law. If you cannot afford an  attorney...." You get the idea. Here I was, 19 years old, never in any trouble, arrested for Assault With A Deadly Weapon, and headed for jail. My friend John got arrested too, for being a Minor in possession/transportation of alcohol since it was his car. Tom was let go with no charges filed.

I am not sure why, but we were placed in a holding cell, not a jail cell. We were also never fingerprinted or photographed. We were allowed to make our one phone call. John called Tom to come bail him out. I called my mom.

This was more difficult than you can imagine. In the past, I had been known to call home and kid with my mom. I would call her and say, "I'm in jail, and this is my one phone call" whenever I was going to stay at a friend's house. It was our ongoing joke. Now, I found myself in the position of having to call my mom and convince her this wasn't a joke!! After a brief stunned silence, and a few choice words, my mother came to my rescue. We spent the entire night discussing exactly what transpired. Over and over again, my mother asked the same questions, presumably to see if I stuck to the same story.

Since I was 19 and technically an "Adult", and in between jobs at the time, a Court Appointed Lawyer was provided to me. He soon explained that if convicted for Assault With A Dangerous Weapon, I was facing a one year mandatory sentence in a Massachusetts prison!!! I believe I almost fainted and I know my mother began to cry. We discussed the case and the events of that night. Although no promises were made, the Attorney did believe that we could avoid jail time based on the fact that I had never been in trouble before. There most likely would be Community Service if convicted. In my mind that was MUCH better than jail time.

Anyway, my court date came and the case was continued, as it would be 4 more times, never once was it stated that the "weapon" was a squirt gun. All the while, I remained unsure as to whether I would be attending the Prison Prom. I couldn't sleep well, nor could I eat. I lost a lot of weight and started to become depressed.

Finally, my next court date arrived and was not continued as all the previous dates were. I was finally getting my day in court. I would know my fate soon. I had to wait my turn though. I was in the midst of real criminals. There were thieves, drug dealers, prostitutes, and all manner of accused...and then there was me. A skinny, short scared white kid, who still couldn't believe this was happening.

After what seemed like hours of watching court proceedings, the Clerk of the Court called my name and announced the docket number. I stood at a podium, as the Prosecutor, Defense Attorney and the Judge discussed my case.

My heart rate was through the roof! Finally, the Judge looked at me over his horned rimed glasses. He asked me if I had ever been in trouble before. "No your Honor", I said in a much too high voice. My knees were wobbly and my mouth was very dry. After a brief pause the Judge spoke. "Let the weapon in question hereto be known a water pistol. This case is dismissed and sealed. No record will appear of this on your record. Stay out of trouble young man."

I was in shock. Did I hear correctly? Was I allowed to leave? Was I supposed to do something? I looked to my attorney and he smiled and said you are free to go. I thanked the Judge and my Attorney and nearly ran back to my mother, who had accompanied me to all my court dates. I hugged her and told her how sorry I was to put her through this. I never got in any more trouble after that!!!